In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Einsteinium it ain’t.
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.